By Matt Kyle | Staff Writer
Every Halloween, while everyone is out minding their own business, trick-or-treating and enjoying themselves, a certain group of people set out to ruin the fun for everyone. These people go out slandering an innocent candy that never hurt anyone, a classic candy that is beloved by all Halloweeners: candy corn.
I know I’m in the minority when it comes to the candy corn debate. For years now, I have had to deal with these candy corn slanderers. Some might compare me to Captain America in “Avengers: Endgame,” as he readies his shield to take down Thanos’ gigantic army. But just like my old pal Steve, I’ll fight to my very last breath to defend the honor of candy corn — even against insurmountable odds.
The first thing I ask of all you candy corn haters is “Why?” Why do you detest such a classic candy? Candy corn is great for so many reasons: It is delicious — as sweet as honey, with such a rich flavor that reminds you of fall. It’s the candy most symbolic of Halloween, and it’s simply, just honestly, perfect. Do you not have anything better to do with your time?
Candy corn never did anything to you. Yet, you spend your time spewing hostilities against candy corn all over social media. All I’ve ever seen on Twitter about candy corn is how much it sucks. All I hear from friends is how awful it is. Meanwhile, I’m just minding my own business, enjoying my candy corn.
Why can’t we just let people enjoy things? Candy corn never hurt you, and everyone who basks in its sweet, delicious glory never hurt you either. All we did was enjoy our candy, and all you did was yell. This is what you look and sound like.
I have this to say to every hater of candy corn and every person who believes fun to be abhorrent: I am unperturbed. Hate all you want, but you will never change my opinion. Candy corn is a great candy, a classic candy, an absolute staple of Halloween. I love it, I have always loved it, I will always love it and there is nothing you can do about it. In fact, keep spewing your hatred. Keep peer pressuring people into thinking candy corn is gross. That just leaves more on the shelves for me.
All inquiries about unwanted candy corn needing a home should reach out to lariat-letters@baylor.edu. I will help you get this delicious candy to a deserving stomach: mine.
And no matter what your opinion on candy corn is, I think we can all agree it is better than circus peanuts. That stuff is just plain nasty.
