By Olivia Eiken | Intern
Picture this: I’m 8 years old, sitting in a church pew with a racing heartbeat. I look and see that the confessional light has turned green, indicating that it is my turn to go to the confessional booth. It’s now my time to fulfill the sacrament of reconciliation.
I sit face-to-face with my priest, confess all the sins my 8-year-old brain thinks I have done and recite the Act of Contrition, and my priest tells me to pray six Hail Mary’s and three Glory Be’s so that all of my sins will be absolved. It sounds simple, but it wasn’t in the slightest.
Growing up in the Catholic Church and attending Catholic school, there are sacraments you are expected to receive before the time you’ve even finished puberty. You are baptized before you turn a year old, do your first reconciliation in second grade, receive your first communion in third grade and are confirmed in eighth grade. I’ve completed all the requirements asked of me, but I cannot help but still feel immense guilt. This feeling is best described as “Catholic guilt.”
Catholic guilt is a very real and valid feeling. The guilt feels isolating and deafening and often dictates how I navigate relationships and day-to-day activities. As I have gotten older and grown into my own, I have learned that there are others who feel the same and feel shackled to it, as if it’s a weight and burden they are forced to carry.
After years of begging the question of why so many Catholic young adults feel this shame, I have found that it is rooted in the concept of original sin. Original sin is the tainted and sinful state in which humans of a Christian denomination are born due to Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden. The forever sinfulness that we are bound to is especially prevalent in the Catholic upbringing, leading to the lifelong guilt many feel once they complete their first reconciliation. Since I was 8 years old, I have felt that I am in a constant cycle of shame because there will always be sins on my conscience that I may not have confessed in the confessional booth.
In lieu of welcoming the new year, I have made it one of my goals to better navigate, understand and hopefully curb these feelings of guilt and shame. Something I have found helpful is to remember that God wants us to be compassionate, kind and loving individuals. There is not a black-and-white distinction between good and bad, contrary to the teachings of Catholicism that many of us grew up with.
It’s also helpful to remind yourself that having feelings of doubt and perplexity about the religious ideology you were raised within is not something to inherently feel guilty about. In fact, it’s human nature to question and reflect on the impact something has had on your life.
Whether or not you’re a practicing Catholic, the larger message of importance is to simply give yourself grace. Your morality and goodness are not defined by whether or not you sit in a pew on Sundays. Just be a decent human.
