You are a flop if you wear flip-flops

By AnnaGrace Hale | Sports Writer

Wow, your flip-flops are so cute — said no one ever. Here are some reasons why flip-flops should never, ever, EVER be the first pick from your closet.

Disclaimer: Flip-flops get a free pass near bodies of water. For example, your toes can be out near the pool on a hot summer’s day. A beach setting is also understandable.

Additionally, Hawaii is in fact surrounded by water, so this whole state gets a free pass to wear slippahs whenever they want. It’s a cultural thing, and I respect that. In Texas, it is just plain weird. The closest body of water is Lake Waco, which no sane person swims in, and therefore flip-flops are inexcusable.

The first reason these, dare I call them, shoes should never leave the shelves of Walmart is because they are ugly. There is nothing stylish about a piece of plastic strapped to the bottom of your foot by a thong-looking band.

Well, AnnaGrace, what about leather flip-flops? No. Just because they are leather, doesn’t make them better. They are neither cooler nor more formal. Stop lying to yourself.

If you don’t care about looking stylish, at least care about your well-being. Flip-flops are one of the worst shoes for your feet. They provide no arch support, considering they look like a board. This can cause bigger problems in the future, such as planter fasciitis and arch pain.

These atrocities cause blisters in between your toes and offer no heel cushion. You are more clumsy because they have a mind of their own and just flop around. They slow you down. No one has time for that.

Flip-flops increase your chances of a sprained ankle or even something worse. Imagine eating it on your way to class because you tripped on your own flip-flop. That’s embarrassing.

Reason No. 3 for never wearing these things is the absolutely obnoxious sound they make. No need to announce your entrance to the dead silent third floor of Moody Memorial Library. We heard you coming from miles away thanks to those horrors on your feet. This sticky slapping sound emphasizes the sweatiness of your feet, and no one needs confirmation of that.

I get it: Texas is hot. Sometimes you want to air those dogs out, but there are better ways. If you insist on wearing sandals, try Birkenstocks or Chacos. They at least have some personality to them and are not as atrocious. Crocs are also a no-go, but that’s a discussion some people aren’t ready for.

If this changed only one flip-flop wearer’s mind, I have done my job. Thank you and good night.