By Ada Zhang
This year, more than any other year, I’ve noticed a growing number of hipsters at Baylor. In a sea of sorority shirts and Nike shorts, they indeed stand out – and pride themselves in doing so. Hipsters are known for rebelling against conformity, and yet they still conform to one thing: being a hipster. (But shh! They don’t know that!) If you’re at all interested in being a hipster, the steps below will show you how.
1. Ride a Longboard Around Campus
Every good hipster knows that bikes are a thing of the past. They were all the rage a couple years ago, but since everyone and their mom got a bike tattoo, bikes have become main stream. Longboards are the new hipster mode of transportation. People will gaze at your majestic beauty as you move like water, weaving in and out of small spaces or sharp corners, inflicting fear upon the non-hipster, who, like some sort of Neanderthal, still walks on foot to get from place to place.
2. Study at Common Grounds
Synonymous with being a hipster is being a coffee connoisseur. Enlighten yourself on all the different brews and roasts, so you can show off your knowledge to the Common Grounds baristas and the people in line behind you. Take no less than 10 minutes to place your order. Be sure to ask where the coffee was grown, who picked the coffee beans, how it was delivered to Common Grounds, for how long the coffee was brewed, and at what specific temperature. Everyone will be impressed at your high standards, even if no one has a single clue what those standards are. Once you finally decide to buy something, order off the menu. Say something like this: “I’d like a cup of your lightest roast with two pumps of pumpkin flavoring, one pump of hazelnut, no cream, no sugar, add chocolate chips and cinnamon.” Never mind that this combination is disgusting, those around you will think you’re super original. And remember, whatever you do — never go to Starbucks. It’s basically hipster suicide.
3. Eat at Freshii
You know that new place that just opened in the SUB? Eat there at least three days a week. Bring your burrito or bowl to class, and when people ask, “What are you eating?” be sure to mention every obscure food item in your meal. Words like “quinoa” and “kale,” foods that most people have never heard of let alone eaten, will make the other students think you have a sophisticated palate. If you get a green smoothie, which you should because it attracts attention, be sure to use buzz words like “detox,” “cleanse” and “antioxidants” when you explain to people what you’re drinking. “I’m cleansing my antioxidants in detox for health.” That sounds about right.
4. Be Pretentious in Class
This is the last and most important aspect of being a hipster, so listen up. In your discussion-based classes, act completely uninterested. Look like you’re bored to death. Make people think you’re not even listening to the discussion at all. But secretly, be paying close attention to everything everyone is saying. When the class has come to a general agreement on the subject matter, take the opportunity to jump in with something really deep and profound that no one’s thought of before. Use impressive words like “nebulous,” “taciturn,” “ubiquitous,” “existential” and so on. It doesn’t matter that you don’t know what these words mean — no one else knows either! The more incomprehensible you are, the better. People will think you’re a genius because they have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.