By The Editorial Board
Your mom is making dinner and you just got home from school. You’re telling her about how Sophie from math class stole your favorite pencil. She doesn’t even look up from the crockpot and, in a fit of rage, you stomp back to your room due to her lackluster reaction.
“I can’t believe she doesn’t care.”
The sad part is that in our juvenile state, we thought that maybe once we started talking about “adult things” people would listen. Unfortunately, whether we talk about politics, AI or the classes we are taking in college, we risk the chance of people not listening.
Sharing stories of the good or the bad times and not feeling heard can be a major blow to self-esteem and feeling validated by the people around us. In an already disconnected reality and with the loss of third spaces everywhere, being a good listener is paramount to maintaining our communities.
You know the feeling — you’re telling a story and your friend keeps glancing at their phone and says “Oh, I’m sorry just one second.” You’ve lost your rhythm now and you aren’t going to repeat the same joke you heard in class for the second time.
Instead of contributing to this form of heartbreak, taking steps to become a good listener will enhance your relationships, your memory and your ability to support the people around you.
Turn your phone on do not disturb
When you’re with a friend grabbing a coffee, turn your phone off. This is a time to truly reconnect and touch base while you’re not swamped with work or school. This could also go for a movie night with your partner — actually watch the movie and chat about it afterward. I promise the Instagram Reels can wait.
Give active responses
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say when a friend is going through it. However, it’s even harder to respond when you aren’t listening. Instead of answering with “Yeah, I understand,” ask a question that proposes an ever deeper response. Even taking a small pause to think about a good reaction is better than defaulting to verbal emotes.
Study your conversations
“Hey Bill, how was that birthday party for your great aunt’s cat two weeks and three days ago?”
We all know someone who has a freakish way of remembering everything we’ve ever told them. It is one of the best feelings to have a person recall, and more importantly ask, about something we told them weeks ago. That is a good listener. As college students, we study for our exams and prepare for presentations. Next time you get lunch with a longtime friend, recall the previous conversation you shared. Is there anything you can draw from to strengthen this meeting? Just like an exam, you’ll see how much better things turn out if you prepare.
Put your thoughts aside
It can be hard to always be present in conversations, but it matters. When approaching a conversation where the other party wants to feel heard, don’t have your next thought loading up while they are speaking. You might miss the whole point. And if you can’t shut that side of your brain off, simply stating that you have something on your mind is better than seeming dismissive and unthoughtful.
While becoming a better listener yourself, keeping in mind that everyone has something going on is key. There is no need to get upset if you don’t feel heard one time. But, a pattern is a pattern, and vocalizing that you don’t feel listened to is just as important as working on your listening skills.
Don’t be like the mom at the crockpot (no offense, moms). The next time you’re having a conversation with someone or listening to someone’s story, really lean in, show you’re interested and make them feel heard and understood.
