By Mackenzie Grizzard | Staff Writer
“I know it’s sad, but now you’ll get two of everything.”
I heard this sentence at least 100 times when my parents first got divorced. Two Thanksgivings, two Christmases, two birthdays — these things might sound exciting from the outside, but it’s not what kids from split families want to hear.
A double Christmas means nothing when it’s traded for a happy, present family. The holiday season is often a painful reminder for many, and the empty chairs at the dining table seem more lonely than usual.
This year, CDC’s annual report on child and family statistics said that one in two children will see their parents’ marriage break up. That’s an alarming reality for half of the children living in America. Chances are, the friend you’re sitting next to might be having a split holiday in different homes, too.
Christmas has been my favorite holiday since I was a little girl. The twinkling lights, peppermint-flavored everything, Mariah Carey’s eventual defrosting and my local church’s Advent decorations are something I look forward to all year.
But every kid with divorced parents knows the dread that creeps in as the weather grows colder and the days get shorter. It’s the dread of having to choose: Which parent will I wake up with on Christmas morning, and which one will wake up alone?
It’s true when people say you don’t appreciate things until they’re gone. I didn’t appreciate having both parents under the same roof until they no longer were. Those Christmas mornings I spent as a little girl are now missing a stocking on the mantle, and there’s a different chill in the air than what I remembered.
It took me years after my parents got divorced to understand that things are different than they were, and ultimately, that’s OK. Change is imminent, and life goes on. Nonetheless, the holidays can be a tough time for families everywhere — together or separated.
So, here’s some advice from a 21-year-old college student not qualified by any means to speak on family issues, but who has gone through it and understands.
For my fellow children of divorce, you’ve got to just feel it all. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed and sad about this season, but it’ll do you no good if you suppress it.
According to Psychology Today, parental divorce is a “formative and watershed” life event. It’s normal to feel angry, ashamed and heartbroken. But you can’t harbor those feelings forever. Eventually, all that deadweight will crumble every relationship you’ll have.
You’ve got to find your community. My four roommates are not just my best friends, but they’re the happy family I never thought I’d have. I’m excited to come home every night to them, and they are the stable support system that helps me thrive.
Even if your parents split up, they are still family. Your mom is still the one that nursed baby you, and your dad is still the one that spun you around like an airplane as a toddler. Those relationships don’t have to change.
When I’m back home for breaks, I always look forward to Saturday Starbucks runs with my dad and morning runs on the beach with my mom. We might not do things together as a family anymore, but life will change anyway, so it’s time to embrace it. I love my parents for who they are as individual people rather than as a family unit, and our relationship has deepened because of it.
The holidays are meant to be celebrated with family, and many aren’t lucky enough to do the same. Take a minute to remind yourself that this is everyone’s first time living too, and we’re all doing the best we can with the cards we’ve got.
Family can mean whatever you want it to be. Family can be the group of friends you share everything with, the people you sit next to at church, your childhood pet or that trusted adult that pulled you out of a dark place. Family is everywhere if you look hard enough. It’s in the floorboards of the home you grew up in and in the halls of the dorm where you met your closest friends. It’s written into the way you live your life and how you love others.
So this Christmas, I encourage you to love a little more intentionally. Love your friends who might be struggling with a broken family, and take a minute to reflect on the love you have for your own.
