Review: I saw ‘Argylle’ so you don’t have to

Photo courtesy of IMDb

By Bella Whitmore | Intern

It’s the trailer that plays before every movie you’ve seen for the past three months, and it might also be the worst movie of the year.

After not being able to escape the trailer — as well as seeing the star-studded cast of John Cena, Dua Lipa and Bryan Cranston — I figured, why not go see “Argylle“? I knew it wasn’t going to be a beautifully written, Oscar-nominated film by any means, but it no doubt seemed entertaining.

Not only was it one of the most absurdly written films I have ever seen, but there was also no time to be entertained because I was too busy attempting to make sense out of what was essentially a fever dream from start to finish.

The film actually carries a pretty interesting premise: A famous novelist who writes about fictional spies begins to predict real-world espionage scenarios, which leads to her getting involved in various adventures and sketchy situations. Despite the potential of the story, the film attempts to pack too many concepts into one movie, with so many plot twists that it leaves you feeling dizzy by the end. A friend to all is a friend to none, and this movie simply cannot decide what it wants.

Some could claim that the movie is supposed to be ridiculous, attempting to poke fun at more serious and dramatic spy movies such as “John Wick” and the “James Bond” franchise. While I believe there is value in that argument, I think there is a right way to do satire, and this movie does not do it by any means. It is a downright bad movie that cannot decide between being a complete joke or having a serious storyline — and it does not accomplish either.

The jokes are cheesy and poorly written, and the characters and their storylines are not drawn out enough for the audience to care or feel attached to any of them. Spoiler alert (but also, please don’t see this movie): The fact that I predicted the cat was going to end up saving them and get them out of a sticky situation says a lot.

The wide range of iconic and truly talented actors makes the film that much more disappointing to me. Bryce Dallas Howard has displayed serious talent in the “Jurassic World” series, “The Help” and episodes of “Black Mirror” — all critically acclaimed and objectively good films and TV shows. While John Cena and Dua Lipa are not actors per se, they have the potential to make a great comedic cameo, like how they were implemented in “Barbie.”

“Argylle” wasted skilled actors on a terrible script and did not know how to properly implement a celebrity cameo, showing that the cast was simply used to make trailers look good and to get people to see the movie in the first place.

An internet rumor was also circulating that claimed Taylor Swift was the mysterious ghostwriter of the book franchise. I can confirm with complete certainty that is not true, considering she is a good writer.

To sum it all up in one sentence, I almost had to walk out of the theater due to pure shock. Whether you’re looking for a movie full of depth and beautiful writing or a fun and silly one that doesn’t take itself too seriously, don’t see this movie.