Hey… Buddy: A satirical appeal for leniency toward “cognominally-confused” friends

By Ryan Barrett | Multimedia Journalist

I, like millions of Americans, suffer from a common issue: the tendency to forget the name of a person you met 32.7 seconds before. The worst part of it? People are genuinely offended by my lack of remembrance.

It’s the materialistic equivalent of going up to a parent of a newborn, confusing their child with a football, and punting it from the 50-yard line, resulting in a breathtaking field goal.

When I’m walking around campus, thinking about my 18 credit hours and 48 hours a week of jobs and work, and out of the corner of eye, you walk into my field of view, I’m somehow expected to immediately remember the title given to you 20 years ago is Madison. Wait no, Meredith. Oops my bad, sorry, McKenna.

Do I wish I possessed the superpower to be able to keep a directory of all 15,709 of my Instagram followers, and how their name matches up with all 209 photos of their Goldendoodle, Max. And do I wish I had the ability to not confuse the one photo of Michael with his boldly emblazoned “Kappa Crush” shirt worn so proudly with Matt displaying his collection of “FIJI Recruitment 2004” shirts, wrapped just a bit too tightly around his torso, cycled through so habitually by his person on a daily basis? You bet your biscuit I do.

However, that’s unfortunately not a skill I possess. As much as I try to appeal to all of the Baylor community, and remember every last blonde-haired, brown-eyed Pi Phi or Zeta named Sarah, Brittany or Maddie, keeping them all separated can be quite a daunting task. Whether the person in front of me is someone I met at the 3 a.m. study session at Club Moody or the Kappa I met at Club de Scruffs may forever remain a mystery.

Regardless of the excuse, more than anything, I plead to my fellow Baylor constituents, please in all good things that are Linda, shed some leniency towards us “cognominally-confused comrades.” Please abstain to not completely disregard us right away, as we are all doing our best to remember you from the next McKenna or Meredith. It’s not an easy job, but someone’s got to start the revolution.

Ryan Barrett is a film and digital media major from Overland Park, Kan.