How the cup stole Christmas: Starbucks’ lack of cheer means end of holiday as we know it

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If there is one thing to learn from the recent shocking events in the world, it’s that Starbucks hates the birth of Christ. It’s unclear if it has always been a dirty, heathenistic and probably communist organization, but it is clear that it hates America and has waged a savage war on Christmas.

This year, it all started with a devilish red cup.

In a video that went viral last week on Facebook, former television and radio evangelist Joshua Feuerstein claims “Starbucks removed Christmas from their cups because they hate Jesus… [and] that’s why they’re just plain red.”

In return, Feuerstein charges Christians to retaliate by declaring “Merry Christmas” to the baristas, so naturally it sparked a controversy among many in the Christian community.

And, you know, he’s right. In fact, his message is prophetic. The absence of snowflakes, Santa Claus and sugarplums is a direct threat to the sanctity of the religious traditions and origins of Christmas. We all remember that the wisemen brought the baby Jesus a Christmas tree, a reindeer and the other built him a snowman.

Although the baby Jesus was never a part of the annual red cup design, visions of dancing snowmen and prancing reindeer are, of course, also exclusive to the Christian narrative. So the outrage isn’t only justifiable, it’s necessary.

What’s most baffling about the coffee chain’s audacity to smudge out our religious beliefs is its complete lack of sympathy for the people they’ve offended. Does Starbucks not realize how difficult it will be to enjoy our peppermint mochas, and honor the Lord, without the delight of our holiday patron saint, Frosty, on the cup?

It’s obvious Starbucks doesn’t understand that branding and commercialization are two integral parts of the Christmas spirit, which is why just a plain red cup is a slap in the face.

Perhaps Starbucks needs to take note of its braver, and obviously more Christian, rival. Last week, Dunkin’ Donuts unveiled a coffee cup the Lord himself would approve of, decorated with both red and green designs haloing the word “Joy.” While no explicit Christmas tidings are given, clearly Dunkin’ Donuts isn’t afraid to say they aren’t run by anti-Christmas terrorists.

At the rate it’s going, who knows what the cups will look like next year. If the designs feature a blue hue for Hanukkah, we should boycott Starbucks for acknowledging the sheer existence of other holidays besides Christmas.

What will we allow next? The unsanctimonious melting of plastic eggs and extinction of giant rabbits in April as an attempt to secularize Easter?

It’s a snub after two millennia of celebrating Jesus’ birth with mistletoe and frosted tips on evergreen trees. When we’re in the mood for the ‘Bucks, now all we can expect is an overpriced cup of sugary, holiday hate.

So, shame on you, Starbucks, for ruining the one season when we have enough time to get enraged over a disposable coffee cup amid our rabid Black Friday shopping and uncomfortable office parties. As defenders of the holiday, we must band together to uphold the true meaning of Christmas — political correctness and venti caramel brulée lattes.

Editor’s note: This editorial is a work of satire.