By Verne Gay
NBC has invited us all to the wedding of Ms. Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon (Tina Fey) and Mr. Crisstopher Rick Chross (James Marsden) tonight. Thanks, but no thanks — we’d rather just watch (NBC at 7 p.m., “Mazel Tov, Dummies.”)
However, assuming this wedding does actually happen (doubtful), what’s the fun in that unless you know all the baggage — in Liz’s case, many failed relationships. To that end, the list (of necessity, partial) of past loves …
Dennis Duffy (Dean Winters): The Beeper King of New York — in fact, the only beeper salesman in New York — is an Islanders fan, borrows money from Liz’s mom, is fascinated with rats, is somewhat misogynistic (thinks women that don’t like him are lesbians) and refuses to move out of Liz’s apartment because he has “squatter’s rights.” Relationship ends badly.
Carol Burnett (Matt Damon): Seemingly ideal airline pilot who slowly reveals an emotional side (he weeps) and a big chip on his shoulder — “Sully Sullenberger? Not that great. You know what I would’ve done? Not hit birds. But where’s my ticket to the Grammys?” He even pulls a gun on Liz in a plane. Relationship ends badly.
Dr. Drew Baird (Jon Hamm): Another initially apparent Mr. Perfect, but her next-door neighbor, in fact, turns out to be rather simpleminded and accident-prone — he lost both hands, one after waving at someone he thought to be a former football coach while standing under a helicopter. Relationship ends badly.
Floyd DeBarber (Jason Sudeikis): Finally! Mr. Perfect and from Cleveland, no less. Liz meets the NBC lawyer and recovering alcoholic on the elevator and learns of his current girlfriend in accounting, whom she promptly fires. Liz likes Floyd so much she even goes to Cleveland on vacation with him. Relationship ends badly.
Wesley Snipes (Michael Sheen): An edgy English businessman of indeterminate profession, Snipes meets Liz at the dentist’s office while both are lightheaded from nitrous oxide, though after the effect wears off, both snap at each other obsessively. He interprets this as romantic tension — “like Russ and Rebecca on ‘Chums’” —but also thinks Liz is like a “‘Cathy’ cartoon that just won’t end.” Liz despises him: “I’m never going to be Mrs. Wesley Snipes. Is that your real name? That’s insane.” Relationship ends badly.
Tune in to NBC tonight to see if Liz will finally settle down with the right Mr. Right.