By Stacie Boyls | Arts & Life Writer

For many of us, the holidays are a sore reminder of what could have been. The glistening lights remind us that we live in a different reality than many of our peers. Unstable home life challenges our definition of family, forcing us to reprogram our holiday expectations.

Having a dysfunctional family tends to dim the joy around us. What should be a season of cheer is a season of dread — commercials of cheerful nuclear families bonding over hot cocoa bruise a wound that’s not quite healed.

The winter break should bring relief and relaxation, not anxiety and stress. It is exhausting knowing that, after the hurdle of finals, lies a more sinister obstacle: isolated family time. Family is complicated for everyone, but when college becomes your escape from the chaos and instability of home life, the thought of returning to your hometown with gifts and smiles is nauseating.

In high school, I felt chained to my family’s dysfunction during the holidays. No one knew what was really going on, and I was in no position to detach myself or reveal the truth. So I prepared myself for the worst, hoping this year’s chaos would hurt less than last year’s.

Then I made it to college and felt the chain loosen. Being out of state for college removed the possibility of constant family disturbances; they were confined to the long breaks between semesters.

These breaks were meant to refresh my mind and body, not to continue depleting them. Anxiety filled my lungs as the reality set in; I was going back to the chaos that haunted my childhood. School had already exhausted me, and rest was an unfortunate distance out of sight. Suddenly, I felt I was back in high school again, plagued by the happy-family social media posts from my peers. I couldn’t relax or enjoy holiday festivities without the shadow of dysfunction looming over me.

Now I am a senior with a more developed brain and a fantastic therapist. I have endured the pain of holiday homecoming long enough and no longer want to subject myself to the unnecessary torment it brings. I have found true family during my time in college and am choosing to spend this season with them.

I have grown closer than ever to my sibling and their fiancé, who have served as my refuge and true home during this time. I have found devoted and loving friends, some with families who are empathetic to my family dynamic and have welcomed me into their homes with open arms. There will be an appropriate time to engage with my other relatives, but now, I have autonomy over the timeline. I don’t have to let dysfunction control my choices anymore and can celebrate with found family.

For those of you who relate to my story, I am deeply sorry. The pain this time can bring for you may go unnoticed, but rest assured, it is real. I am sorry you have had to weather this storm. Your struggle is valid, and your reality deserves recognition. You deserve a family that supports and loves you for who you really are, regardless of the circumstances. As you also mature and gain independence, don’t forget, our family is who we make it.

If your best friend’s family treats you like one of their own, then don’t be afraid to try to spend the holidays with them. And if you can’t make those decisions for yourself quite yet, hang on. This too shall pass. You will attain autonomy eventually, even if it’s not this year.

Lean on the supportive members of your family if you can. Cling to those who love you and accept the help they offer. You are not a burden, and family is all around you, even if you haven’t met them yet. Let the holidays bring you cheer, not fear.