By Kalena Reynolds | Staff Writer
As Valentine’s Day reservations are made and posts of couples start flooding social media, love is on the brain for many at this time of the year. In case you’ve been giving your own relationship some extra thought recently, here are some predictors that could help you determine if your relationship is destined for success.
Dr. Maria Boccia, professor of child and family studies at Baylor, said that John Gottman is the researcher who has established the most material on predictors of successful relationships. Boccia, also a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that Gottman has been studying relationship predictors for decades and has identified multiple qualities that enhance relationships and improve connections within partners.
While Gottman highlights successful qualities in a relationship as turning towards a partner in times of conflict rather than letting arguments create division, he also notes another indicator as the male accepting influence from the woman.
“The woman accepting influence from men doesn’t predict because women already do that,” Boccia said. “But there’s a lot of variability in men and whether or not they accept influence. And accepting influence doesn’t mean doing what they say or obeying them or anything like that. It means taking into consideration what that person thinks, sees, feels and so on.”
Boccia said that Gottman also places importance on the way conversations are initiated between partners, for example, “soft startups” are indicators of successful relationships.
“If you start a conversation with a harsh startup, the conversation is going to end harsh no matter what happens in the middle,” Boccia said. “So, you know, ‘You just don’t listen to me, what I want you to do is…’ that’s a harsh startup, whereas something along the lines of,’ I need your help, and I would like us to figure out a way to handle this’ — that’s a soft startup.”
Boccia said that Gottman also has extensive research on unsuccessful relationship predictors in four major areas, which he has coined the “four horsemen of the apocalypse.” These include criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness.
Stonewalling in a partnership is usually an indicator for a dying relationship. It is usually more present in men than women due to quicker physiological responses, Boccia said.
“This stonewalling happens when a person in the relationship — in the conversation — becomes flooded physiologically,” Boccia said. “Their fight or flight response goes off the rails and they get overwhelmed by it. It’s called flooding.”
Dr. Tamara Lawrence, undergraduate program director and senior lecturer in psychology and neuroscience, said that Valentine’s Day also has an interesting effect on relationships. Whatever underlying dynamic is already present in the partnership is magnified by the holiday.
“I would say that Valentine’s Day makes good relationships better, and the stress and pressure of it makes bad relationships worse, right?” Lawrence said. “It’s a stressor. If you’re happy, then you can figure out a way to be happy together and grow in the relationship. But if you’re struggling, then it becomes stressful and it magnifies. And couples tend to be a little bit worse off after any holiday, really, but let alone a holiday that you’re supposed to show your love from one another, and you’re struggling with that.”
Following the topic of relationships, Lawrence also said that the narrative of opposites attracting is not true.
“I know we kind of have the cultural wisdom that opposites attract, but they’re usually not very happy together, so having a lot in common with a partner is helpful,” Lawrence said. “In the same lines with that, having mutually enjoyable activities that they enjoy doing is also super helpful for relationship functioning.”
While mutuality and enjoyment are key points of a relationship, this can become tricky in college when both people in the partnership are still finding themselves and planning out their lives. Boccia said the key to finding a successful relationship while not having completely established yourself revolves around understanding what you want on your own.
“I think the bedrock of it all is understanding your values, your worldview, your assumptions about how the world is and what’s your place in it,” Boccia said.
