By Abbey Ferguson | LTVN Reporter/Anchor
It’s the beginning of a potential blossoming relationship, and all you feel are butterflies. This could be it. This could be the one. He seems perfect on paper, and the chemistry is undeniable … but you two greatly differ when it comes to your interests, hobbies, future goals and, most importantly, individual value systems. It’s so common to force compatibility despite those contrasting elements and to pursue a relationship anyway, but don’t sacrifice key pieces of yourself just to be perceived as a suitable partner.
As a disclaimer, I still find it important for each person in the relationship to maintain a sense of individual identity, meaning that compatibility doesn’t mean your significant other is a carbon copy of you. And a vital aspect of a healthy relationship is being interested in your partner’s passions, even if they aren’t your own.
However, especially as we enter adulthood, finding a partner who aligns with our values is important to maintaining long-lasting relationships. A study published by the National Council on Family Relations discusses how married couples who shared leisure interests and had the same perspective on relationship roles were more compatible. This notion is backed by another study published in Personality and Individual Differences, which explains how compatibility is the glue that holds relationships together. Researchers found that the most important compatibility characteristics in long-term relationships all fell under the values category, such as political viewpoints, parenting styles, lifestyle and morality. While we all love to romanticize the “opposites attract” trope, it might not actually be practical if you want a flourishing long-term partnership.
Now, even with all of this knowledge, it’s common that people sacrifice compatibility for chemistry. I can honestly say I’ve done it too. You become so enamored with the other person that it feels like those differences can be shrunk or ignored. However, this can be dangerous.
You can eventually build resentment against your partner for having dissimilar values, or you may develop annoyance with their lifestyle differences. You might start to feel misunderstood because your significant other doesn’t understand your perspective since they hold such a vastly different one.
Most importantly, you may start to modify yourself to be perceived as more compatible. You change what music you listen to, what activities you are involved in, how you dress, how you talk and who you are. You discard key aspects of your ethical code, or you sacrifice your dreams for theirs — but just disguise it as a compromise.
You are not some malleable object designed to fit the mold of “a perfect partner.” You deserve unconditional acceptance. Your values are just as important as the other person’s, and it’s OK if they don’t align. That simply means they aren’t the right person for you.
