By Shelby Peck | Copy Editor
“I’m sorry.”
I say it all the time — clarifying my order with the barista, asking my professors for help with a certain topic, telling my roommates to move over when I need to use the oven. But the thing is, I don’t even really know what I’m sorry about. They’re just two words that have completely infiltrated my daily vocabulary.
How often do we feel the need to unnecessarily apologize, as if asking anyone for anything presents some tremendous challenge to their daily life? We “feel bad” when we’re not completely self-sufficient and (dare I say) actually need something because we can’t do everything on our own.
There’s definitely a time and place to be sorry. Some of us (including myself) have a hard time apologizing in conflict when the words elicit genuine meaning and warrant being said. In that arena, there are definitely areas in which to improve.
The apologies I so often find myself giving are those that stem from my own insecurities and intimidations, not ones rooted in the sincere need to say, “I’m sorry.” I fear what other people might think of me when I ask them for help or encroach on the space or time they might be selfishly hoarding.
What I’ve realized is that when I apologize so frequently, I undermine my own existence before I even give anyone else the chance to. I invalidate what I feel and need before someone else might shut me down. Maybe it’s some coping mechanism for the rejection I’ve experienced in the past, or maybe it’s just a bad habit I pick up in situations where I lack confidence.
In situations where our first instinct is to quickly apologize, let’s take a step back. Evaluate what’s happening. Is this really a situation in which we need to be sorry, or are we just asking for normal help? Are we apologizing because it’s an appropriate step in conflict resolution, or is whatever we’re about to say simply the logical thing to come next in a conversation?
In my journey to find new filler words, I try to tell myself that if I wouldn’t mind completing an action or answering a question for someone else, I shouldn’t mind asking them to do it for me. Because, at the end of the day, we all need people. And as much as my independent heart would love to believe it, I can’t do it on my own. We’re going to have to ask for help.
Whenever you’re tempted to give a meaningless apology because a situation is uncomfortable, remember that what you need is important because you are important. Instead of saying “I’m sorry,” thank the other person for their help, kindness and understanding. Change your internal narrative so that what was once seen as a burden becomes part of the joy that is found in community.
I’m not sorry; I’m thankful for everyone around me who offers a willing hand and a listening ear so that I might learn how to become just that for others.
