By Rory Dulock | Copy Editor
To preface, I am not writing this for anyone to feel pity for me; I’m writing this for myself to set free what’s been on my heart for a long time — and for anyone else who has struggled spiritually at any point in their life.
Anyone who has grown close to me during my time at Baylor already knows I grew up Catholic. Baptized just weeks after birth, I’ve been religious my entire life. I would go to religion classes twice a week all the way through high school. I grew up with the sound of “VeggieTales” playing on the TV. I would go to church every week with my family. Well over half my grade was Catholic at the small public school that I come from, along with the majority of my rural community.
With the strong amount of Christian presence in my life I was bound to be a perfect follower of God, right?
But I didn’t feel like one at the time — and I know I wasn’t.
Like most young children, I would give my parents a hard time about having to get out of bed and sit still for a long period of time at church, but that is typical behavior. The real spiritual trials began when I was deliberately trying to avoid church.
One of the hardest things to go through is losing a parent. I went through that when I lost my dad during high school. It changed everything for me. His death was so sudden and unexpected, and when there was no one to blame, I blamed God.
How could he make my family hurt like this? Why was it necessary for my dad to pass away so soon? These questions rattled through my head for a long time, longer than I care to fully admit. I was hurt. I was angry. I didn’t understand.
This is one of the moments in my life that I wish had turned in a different direction than what ended up happening. During my misguided anger toward God, I didn’t want to go to church anymore. It just hurt too much. To this day I still remember the packed church (to which my hometown church can fit a few hundred) with my entire grade and what felt like over half the community being there for my family and me — one of the few moments during that time when I felt comfort.
But I should have also found comfort with God.
Unfortunately, it would take until college for me to start allowing myself to open up and listen for God who was reaching out to me all along.
Baylor nearly has just as much of a Catholic presence as Baptist and nondenominational. It should have been easy for me to get immediately plugged in at a church, but it wasn’t. Coming from a period of hurt and shame from my relationship with God, it felt almost awkward for me going to a whole new church and even harder to try to find that relationship with God that I had pushed away from. Luckily I had some friends who would go to church with me, but I was also dealing with my disdain of going through my chapel requirement that felt like forced time with God for all of us students.
I also wasn’t prepared for some of the inquiries I would get about my faith during college. I still remember how one conversation went with a student I met early on, and simply put, he called the Catholic faith and its traditions “weird.” I remember feeling unsure of what to say and even embarrassed. Was I the “weird one” at a Baptist university since I came from a Catholic background?
I had never had to deal with this before. So for a while, unless someone specifically asked what denomination I was, I kept my mouth shut — in my mind I couldn’t handle confrontation at the time. I mean, how was I supposed to defend my faith when I had struggled spiritually for so long? Not to mention, it felt like I was surrounded by a lot of performative Christians whose relationship with God was presented as “so perfect” and there was seemingly never an obstacle in their spiritual journey.
It wasn’t until my second and third years at Baylor when my feet were more firmly on the ground spiritually. I had close friends and communities that I could lean on if needed, some even introducing me to life group, a place where I could worship safely with others. I pick up the Bible more often now, pray more often and my relationship feels close with God like how it used to way back when.
There are a lot of days as of late where I feel lonely, stressed and anxious as I try and finish out my undergrad here at Baylor. But in those days of loneliness I know I’m no longer truly alone like how I used to feel because I turn to God now.
Everyone has a moment in time, even if brief, where they struggle spiritually. The best any of us can do is to mend our relationship with God with the least amount of regrets, even when it’s hard to understand what His plans are for us. I know one of the few regrets I will have leaving college is that I didn’t find my spiritual happiness (again) with him sooner.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)
