By Jackson Posey | Sports Editor
Many of us spend our entire lives groveling at the altar of trendiness.
No longer.
Instead of flying through TikTok and Instagram reels, frothing at the mouth to find the next hot craze, take a deep breath. Relax. The Posestradamus has you covered. Here are nine ins and outs that will dominate social media (and the real world) in 2026.
OUT: Postmodern minimalism
Have you ever noticed how every car looks the same?
There are only a half-dozen drab colors, which scooter commuters use to transition from bland pastel homes to bland corporate offices. We can spice things up. Let’s splash some yellow on our doorposts. Grow a mohawk. Drive Thanos trucks again. Boldness is back, baby. Shoot your shot.
OUT: Plain milk
Milk is like a blank canvas. It’s a playground for imagination for the brightest minds of our generation — yet we too often reduce it to its blandest, most vanilla form.
Milk will be the tipping point for the larger artistic revolution. Pasteurization, meet Gaullian maximalism. Give me two-toned milk, neon milk, mix-of-solids-and-gases milk. Silicon Valley’s classic mantra, “move fast and break things,” changed the tech world. Now, it’s time to take on Big Dairy.
IN: Dating (not the AI kind)
More than 60% of men aged 18-29 are single, per 2023 Pew Research data. Something has to give.
While the rise of artificial intelligence forces the world to grapple with fundamental questions of existence — What is truth? What is real? What matters? — Generation Z will continue to push for embodied experience and community. The search for love need not be complex. We’ve trapped ourselves in prisons of our own creation.
The mask is coming off social media. The vapid mortal coil of short-form content will become less interesting as our minds flit in and out of focus. Tech CEOs and other elites have already begun ditching phones to embrace the real world; perhaps we can do the same and embrace one another.
OUT: Three strikes
Obviously.
IN: Biking to class
There’s nothing quite like the swirling rush of the wind against my face, lifting my spirits and flapping my blond extensions against the roots of my low taper fade. (Both of which, of course, are solidly in.)
Perhaps it’s annoying to watch a stranger whizz by on the way to class. Maybe you don’t like getting splashed by mud in the rain. But those tandem-cycling troubadors were just the first to admit the obvious: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. In 2026, the Baylor bikers will reclaim the land stolen by scooterbugs — and I will finally look cool.
IN: Caffeine addiction
Don’t worry, this is a safe space. In 2026, it’s okay to drink four large All-Nighters from Common Grounds in one sitting. You need to prioritize your alertness this year. Six shots of espresso isn’t that much anyway.
(Editor’s note: Twenty-four shots of espresso is, in fact, a lot of espresso.)
To paraphrase the Statue of Liberty: “Bring your weak, your poor, your huddled masses — and hook them up to caffeine patches like that one lady from Meet the Robinsons. That’ll fix ‘em right up.”
IN AND OUT: In-N-Out
That’s typically where their food goes when you eat it.
IN: Being OK when your joke column doesn’t land
Look, this paragraph is for my wonderful editor. I’m sorry I missed the deadline this week. I was busy yapping. I’ll try to do better next time.
OUT: Waldo
When Jesus said “Seek, and you will find,” he was speaking of religious realities — God, salvation, righteousness and the like. He apparently did not mean that I would find Waldo, even though I’ve spent six months trying to track down that little jerk.
He could be anywhere — hiding behind the fridge, bowling in the SUB, flirting with the barista at Pinewood jazz night — but my efforts have left me empty-handed. I tried going over the river and through the woods, but to no avail. My grandmother didn’t know who I was talking about, and I soon found myself in a pumpkin bread-flavored detour. Delicious, but I was losing sight of my mission.
In 2026, Waldo will stage a government coup in a country you’ve never heard of. He will raise a red and white striped flag and declare martial law, then begin a meticulous propaganda campaign against the United Nations. He will hunt down and imprison his brother, Odlaw, whose only crime is bearing the family name.
This is not some joke, nor something to be taken lightly. If the standing powers refuse to act, we must begin a grassroots movement.
Where Waldo reigns, liberty dies. He must be stopped at all costs.
